On Equipment

First, let's take a moment to appreciate how far technology has come. We take it for granted that we can basically run a website from our phones (admittedly, I do rely on good ol' mspaint to stitch the images together, but the rest is phone-based). Just 15 years ago, this was the best we had to offer, although, quite honestly, that is a pretty impressive piece of equipment for 1998. It was a simpler, more tedious time. A time when spam as conspicuous and bold as the following roamed the IMAP-pastures:

Speaking of equipment, that link leads to a .equipment address. As in, "www.blahblahblah.equipment". I won't tell you the actual site because this is very clearly spam and going there is surely toxic. But how long have these wordy domain name suffixes been around, and how many more are there? Have I been living in a damn bunker? I did a bit of research and here are some of my favorites:

• .bargain - a whole class of websites you can safely avoid
• .blue - for people who like blue, or for gullible police stations
• .kim - for people named Kim
• .ninja - (no one has ever seen one of these, but they are supposedly dangerous)
• .rich - special websites just for rich people! To be fair, all these other common websites are dirty and crass.
• .red - perfect for website names like "i-hate-f.red" or "hot-and-bothe.red" or "ur-gonna-get-inju.red"

Anyway, learning is fun, but let's stay focused. I knew this was spam, and that the address was most likely a bot, but I answered just in case there was a human on the other line:

I'm sad to announce that by the time I sent this email, ElsieBartusRAP@yahoo.com had already been deleted. 

R.I.P. Eugene. You only required me to really do one thing and I failed. When we emerge from the tunnels to recolonize the earth, I will make things right. I promise.

On Imposters

I try not to meddle too much in "urgent" situations, but I'm still obligated to meddle at least a little.

Turns out you can spell it either way, but now neither of them look right to me. Anyway, after a few hours I got bored and decided to instigate:

I hope all of your problems get okay too, dear readers.

On Endowments

I'm confused as to how I got in on this one. It seems like a forward-chain of which I'm only the final link. You only really need to read the first email and my response, so I marked the boring spots. You're welcome.

I really can't imagine what Shelly's big bro is getting removed. The only time "endowments" seems to be used as slang is when it refers to testicles. So maybe I'm just preaching to the choir-boy here.

On Being OG

Only a British boarding school could speak so seriously with a name like "Giggleswick." I must have a namesake somewhere within Chuckleshire, near Guffawcaster Lane, who would scowl at me down his pince-nez from the inadvertently dick-shaped terraced pergola of his million-pound Gothic Revival home, simply incensed at my frivolous smirk and poor street-manners. But old money is old money, and a truly original gangster would have just that, or enough anyway to solicit a fake-signed request written by someone who can't be bothered to send his own emails.

Oh I do so look forward to spending the summer in Cacklesbury-off-Sniggerville.

On Waiting

This one's short and sweet, like my ex-girlfriend. (I think that is the only ex related joke I've heard that isn't either derisive or self-deprecating. High five, self!)

Not much to say about this one, except that good ol' Jeff didn't try to stop me. Fuck you, Jeff. Who emails for a jump, anyway? I hope you're still waiting.