On Racism and Socialism -- Part Two

When we last left off, I was having trouble figuring out what kind of make believe gold tournaments I had gone to with a racist. I also foreshadowed that his switch to caps lock and excessive use of punctuation reminded me of something... so let's get back to it, shall we?

So there's a bit of a shift in tone on my part here, but I pretty much felt like I had reached the point of diminishing returns in terms of rationalizing with this man, so I might as well have some fun as long as a positive message is maintained. But dear lord there's so much to be said here. I'm glad Chris doesn't ripe out his black friends, first off, whatever that means. Second, I'm really happy that Harry Potter's dad weighed in with a positive message. He was the only one out of the nearly three dozen recipients of the original joke to speak up (or at least to hit "reply all"). This is because he is magic, and I appreciate that. And third, I finally figured out just what it was that Chris's text mannerisms reminded me of: the cliff-diving vocal stylings of the illustrious band Complete, particularly in the song "Beautiful Sunrises," which makes me inexcusably happy and which I quote above. In case you're not acquainted (or even if you are), go ahead and give it a listen:

Now go back and read that first reply of his while this is playing and tell me you don't hear the rest of these emails in that voice. That beautiful, painful voice. Anyway, with that in mind, let's continue:

And that's the end of that OH WAIT NO IT'S NOT because despite Chris's request that I not send to him anymore, he continued to send to me. This time it was a lovely collection of images custom-made for retirees, of which I will show you only a select few:

Honestly, as corny, poorly made, and groan-worthy as these images are, they are still a vast improvement in attitude. Although that second image with a man leading kids through a lone, misty wood almost suggests that child abduction is superior to buying children. And whoever made the third image has never seen a phone. Or an angle. Or their own writing. And the last one could be used to shrug off the criticisms of people who call him out on things like, say, racism. But I hope Chris realizes that I love him. I made sure to let him know I support his newfound positivity:

"You're not who I think you are" is my new favorite paradox. Maybe I shouldn't have clued him in as to how I keep sending to him. Ah well, live and learn I guess. And that's all for now. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson here, and I hope all my readers have beautiful sunrises. 

BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE FOR YOU  (*points out of screen*)

BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE FOR YOU  (*points out of different screen*)

BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOUANDAUAGHGHGUAG (*points manically in all directions, narrowly missing heroin cowgirl*)

(*gets tired, sits down*)

I love you.

On Racism and Socialism -- Part One

Brace yourselves for one of the ugliest emails I've ever gotten, and that includes the one full of selfies from your mom (just kidding, your mother is a beautiful strong woman and you can tell her I said so). This one's a doozy in more ways than one, but one of those ways is length, so I've had to split it in two.

This hurts in so many ways. This is the type of idea that, in my humble opinion fact, has hugely damaged and confused American culture (and others as well!) -- that poor minorities are hell bent on exploiting social services and that as a result we should have neither poor minorities nor services for the poor, and that these two things alone are the reason why good upstanding white folks aren't doing as well as they feel they should be. I stared at that "joke" for hours trying to figure out the best way to respond. I can't be sure I found the best way, but here's what I came up with: 

Chris's forward was sent to dozens of people (all of whom I replied to), so I wasn't sure just how close he and other Ben were. I decided not to play too much of a character, but to try to somewhat seriously talk the guy down while trying (not entirely successfully, perhaps) not to talk down to him. Apparently this was a little out of character for his Ben:

I like how he switches to upper case halfway through the first sentence. This reminds me of something, but I don't figure out what until a couple emails down. I also like how he shouts his name in the middle of the email like a Pokemon. At this point I was still trying to pretend to be someone he knew, hoping a religious appeal might hit home better than mall-sneeze metaphors and lumps. 

Okay hold up, a make believe gold tournament? I don't really know what that is but I accidentally drew it for you just now, I'm sorry:

Here are Chris and Ben just having the grandest time with the free front row tickets they got. I hope that hurt you as much as it hurt me. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!

On Equipment

First, let's take a moment to appreciate how far technology has come. We take it for granted that we can basically run a website from our phones (admittedly, I do rely on good ol' mspaint to stitch the images together, but the rest is phone-based). Just 15 years ago, this was the best we had to offer, although, quite honestly, that is a pretty impressive piece of equipment for 1998. It was a simpler, more tedious time. A time when spam as conspicuous and bold as the following roamed the IMAP-pastures:

Speaking of equipment, that link leads to a .equipment address. As in, "www.blahblahblah.equipment". I won't tell you the actual site because this is very clearly spam and going there is surely toxic. But how long have these wordy domain name suffixes been around, and how many more are there? Have I been living in a damn bunker? I did a bit of research and here are some of my favorites:

• .bargain - a whole class of websites you can safely avoid
• .blue - for people who like blue, or for gullible police stations
• .kim - for people named Kim
• .ninja - (no one has ever seen one of these, but they are supposedly dangerous)
• .rich - special websites just for rich people! To be fair, all these other common websites are dirty and crass.
• .red - perfect for website names like "i-hate-f.red" or "hot-and-bothe.red" or "ur-gonna-get-inju.red"

Anyway, learning is fun, but let's stay focused. I knew this was spam, and that the address was most likely a bot, but I answered just in case there was a human on the other line:

I'm sad to announce that by the time I sent this email, ElsieBartusRAP@yahoo.com had already been deleted. 

R.I.P. Eugene. You only required me to really do one thing and I failed. When we emerge from the tunnels to recolonize the earth, I will make things right. I promise.

On Imposters

I try not to meddle too much in "urgent" situations, but I'm still obligated to meddle at least a little.

Turns out you can spell it either way, but now neither of them look right to me. Anyway, after a few hours I got bored and decided to instigate:

I hope all of your problems get okay too, dear readers.

On Endowments

I'm confused as to how I got in on this one. It seems like a forward-chain of which I'm only the final link. You only really need to read the first email and my response, so I marked the boring spots. You're welcome.

I really can't imagine what Shelly's big bro is getting removed. The only time "endowments" seems to be used as slang is when it refers to testicles. So maybe I'm just preaching to the choir-boy here.

On Being OG

Only a British boarding school could speak so seriously with a name like "Giggleswick." I must have a namesake somewhere within Chuckleshire, near Guffawcaster Lane, who would scowl at me down his pince-nez from the inadvertently dick-shaped terraced pergola of his million-pound Gothic Revival home, simply incensed at my frivolous smirk and poor street-manners. But old money is old money, and a truly original gangster would have just that, or enough anyway to solicit a fake-signed request written by someone who can't be bothered to send his own emails.

Oh I do so look forward to spending the summer in Cacklesbury-off-Sniggerville.

On Waiting

This one's short and sweet, like my ex-girlfriend. (I think that is the only ex related joke I've heard that isn't either derisive or self-deprecating. High five, self!)

Not much to say about this one, except that good ol' Jeff didn't try to stop me. Fuck you, Jeff. Who emails for a jump, anyway? I hope you're still waiting.